A client came into my office today with a wry smile having had just heard Andy Williams singing in the hallway (on the intercom).
Many people I know would say that it’s one of the most painful times of the year. Painful because of who is not here to share it with or painful because of who IS here with demands, expectations, pressures.
Most of all, the fantasies of HOW IT SHOULD BE and the fantasies that EVERYONE else is happy fuel our discontent, disappointment and dissatisfaction (Three “d” words, pretty clever, eh? – ah but I digress into my own ego-fueled fog)
Happiness is probably the most misunderstood concept of the Western World. (Can’t speak for the Eastern, Southern or Northern Worlds so those of you who live there please let me know)
Advertising tells us that happiness is only a purchase away. This is part of living in a society that is driven by goals and outcomes, and in which happiness is something that can be pursued and acquired.
I was reading a Bahai blog post by Preethi (don’t know who Preethi is but the posts are always well written and thought-provoking). S/He begins:
“On average, the population of today’s world live with more material comfort, less illness, greater equality and far more opportunities than people who lived at any other time in history. In spite of this, the World Health Organization has estimated that by the year 2030, depression will be the most prevalent and debilitating illness in the world – in both rich and poor nations.
Judging from the number of bestselling self-help books out there on how to achieve happiness in life, this question seems to be a pretty big one for a lot of people. It seems that many people acknowledge that in spite of being financially comfortable, having a good job and an active social life, true happiness remains out of reach.
Fifteen minutes on Facebook can often leave us feeling that the happiest people out there are the ones who have an endless number of friends, the ones who go on great adventures overseas and the ones who have amazing jobs. Focusing on the things that other people have that we might not have can easily lead us to believe that our happiness is dependent upon our life being exactly the way we’d like it to be.
So it’s interesting to see what the Baha’i writings have to say on the topic. ‘Abdu’l Baha talks about two kinds of happiness –”
“Happiness consists of two kinds: physical and spiritual. The physical happiness is limited; its utmost duration is one day, one month, one year. It has no result. Spiritual happiness is eternal and unfathomable. This kind of happiness appeareth in one’s soul with the love of God and suffereth one to attain to the virtues and perfections of the world of humanity. Therefore, endeavour as much as thou art able in order to illumine the lamp of thy heart by the light of love.”
Whatever your beliefs (or disbelief) I agree with Preethi that this pinpoints the fundamental flaw in our understanding of happiness and why we are left frustrated and lost:
Happiness is an attitude we foster rather than something we possess.
Happiness is a condition of being rather than of having.
What are your thoughts on finding “true happiness” at this MOST Wonderful Time of the Year?
This time of year is often not the happiest.
For me it usually is not the happiest.
Yet, I still love the idea of it. The love, the giving, being unselfish, making other’s happy….
But I try to live like this all year long. Why do I need a holiday. If I see a perfect gift for someone I often get it…and give it…spur of the moment…Surprise! But I know many people who would save that gift for Christmas. I just can’t.
You know this year we bailed out of the holidays. Yet, I found myself thinking recently, that I miss it. I don’t want to be a person all caught up in the holiday consumerism, and commercialism…I don’t like all the waste produced by the holiday. But I miss the family…we aren’t close to either side…with mine just as much distance as emotionally, and with his, mostly distance…some emotionally.
perhaps, mostly, I miss my mom. I miss Christmas with my family…but that always meant mom…not the rest. (her birthday was New Year’s Day…still rough on me….but I try to celebrate…sometimes I just cry the whole day.)
One year instead of gifts, I donated an hour of my time to a local charity for every gift I would have given….it added up. (unfortunately, a lot of people didn’t get it.)
And forgive me…I really like presents! I love to give them, I love to get them. I love to surprise strangers. for example, I once took a homeless man to lunch…that was interesting. He was always on the street corner near my job, so I took him to lunch….yes, I got a lot of strange looks…who cares. (I also gave him a gift certificate so he could go back)
I always buy gifts for foster children, and some things on the animal shelter’s wish list. (I do this a couple of times a year)…..ect. it’s that time of year to open your hearts. No I don’t just do these things at Christmas *well I didn’t, now I don’t buy anything* But it wasn’t the buying. I saw a homeless man with no gloves, and gave him an older pair of my husband’s. I just like to do things for people…hold doors, buy lunch for the person behind me in line, pick up trash on the side of the road, leave good books in coffee shops or doctor’s offices with a note that says it’s free to whoever thinks they would enjoy it, and please pass it on….I just love doing that kind of thing. But it’s been much harder as I’ve gotten sicker.
This year we won’t be doing any of that….unless my husband miraculously gets a job this week.
I’m curious to see how I’ll handle the holidays this year, will it be worse, or easier.
One thing I will be doing this week…making a card, for the nurses who took care of me today. One in particular. She was so caring, compassionate, and professional at the same time. She told me I was a great patient. She also told me that something I said, touched and changed her. Wow! How humbling. She was so compassionate, and worried about my condition…I simply told her one of my mottos…Life may not be what I expected, so I changed my expectations. She was truly amazed, and said everyone could benefit from thinking like that. When they came to get me for surgery, she touched my arm, wished me luck and hoped so much this worked, and she told me…you really did touch me…I’ll learn to change my expectations and stop thinking of what could have been. (I never knew my words could do that.) I wasn’t saying it to impress her, or anything. I said it so she’d know I don’t think of myself as pitiful, or without a life with goals.
It was a very sweet and touching time in pre-op today.
Judith…my nurse…must know how much she touched me today too.
oh, a long comment.
Yes, I had surgery today..it’s 5am..why am I not asleep…it hurts!!!
and the tinnitus is driving me insane.
going to try to sleep now….again. I did sleep some today, but tonight, has been rough.
I’ll post all about it tomorrow….complete with a photo. : )
Hope your holiday is bright, and peaceful.
wendy
All I wanted to say is that this time of the year was the most painful for the children in foster care. They all wanted to be with their families and follow their own traditions and not to be in the foster homes/group homes. The worst part was when a new child would be admitted on Christmas Eve or Day. It was heartbreaking to watch the emotions. It is very correctly said that the pressure is there and sometimes we do not think about others’ pain during this wonderful time of the year. Thanks for posting, this is really wonderful.
My comment was getting too long for the wordpress comment box. I just wanted to close my rant with although I used the word “christmas” through out my rant, I think of it as the holiday season — other faiths/religions/belief systems have celebrations around the same time as Christmas and I think it’s good to remember that — so I use holiday not because I think it’s politically correct, but because Christmas is not the only spiritual event happening.
I guess what bothers me is that Christmas is now a commerical “holiday,” and the spiritual importance — no matter what your faith/spirituality/belief system — is lost in the ribbons, bows, and christmas paper destroyed in a second of rip and open.
I also miss the customs and “rules” of Christmas at my parent’s house — but the comment box is jumping, so I’ve said more than I should again.
Your post is thought-provoking, evocative, and very important. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll share this in some manner. Thanks for doing what you always do, make me think outside of my little box.
Lorraine,
As always – share away. That’s one of the reasons I do the blog – get me and everyone else into a more creative box!
We don’t really celebrate Christmas in the traditional manner. Until we moved to the US and thus near my in-laws, we usually spent Christmas Day with just each other with supper being one of our specialities: hubbby’s lasgna with his secret ingredients (rather than ricotta (spelling) cream cheese, extra old and sharp cheddar, a good mozzaralla (spelling) with some strong romano as well (I don’t know how to spell my cheeses) or my quiche with the shortbread (but without the sugar) crust, at least 3 kinds of cheese, sauteed mushrooms and green onions, cream and half and half (blend in Canada) and of course eggs. Presents to get (and receive) were few, and I usually put up a decorate or two.
Now, there is the in-laws (among whom I’m an out-law) to have Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner with. And gifts to buy (I pick stuff up during the year, and shop the dollar stores or look for sales.)
But one of the nice pluses is the toys for tots program (run by the Marines?) to which I donate toys I have purchases during the year when I see something appropriate on sale. I always drop some money into the Salvation Army “kettles” and avoid all the commerical trappings of Christmas if I can. When I was able to do crafty things, I made all the Christmas cards and many of the gifts. I have decided that this is the last year for gifts for the inlaws and their kids. All of them make much more money than we do, the kids have everything and then some, and there is never a thankyou note.
Lorraine,
The food sounds yummy and the Kids sound dummy!
Hey Judy, saw your commnts on Bill’s page and his response too.. well I have written one trying to catch a moment with words…. have a look here:
http://rameshsood.blogspot.com/2011/12/love-appears-in-white.html
Father at home is addressed as Papa too.. in Punjabi and Hindi speaking families… Judy have put the answer along with my post..
I have always believed that happiness is a state of being…. and that’s what has kept me going.. and help me pass through difficult times without losing that internal feeling…but then may God continue to be a gracious.companion ..that’s what is the essence… JUDY…this is a very enlightening post… hope we all continue to BE…rather than always pursuing…
SIMPLE AND STRAIGHT…YES! RS
Ramesh,
God is eternally a gracious companion – the question is are “we”?