Pacing My Pacemaker, Tallulah Pacehead – (winter)

Tallulah Pacehead, my pacemaker

Tallulah keeps working overtime and I feel her like a leaden pain in my chest, short of breath and exhausted.

I’ve been back to the cardiologist to have Tallulah simmer down a bit and not bump up my heart beat when it’s not necessary, like dusting or emptying the dishwasher . . . (hmmmm, maybe I shouldn’t be doing strenuous things around the house . . . )

Whatever they did with her computer made it worse so I was back to the cardiologist two days later.   After talking at length to The Physician’s assistant, she went out,  came back  and said the doctor didn’t know what to do next.  (He’s an expert in the area of electrophysiology . . .)

I jokingly replied,  “Tell him to get in here and cure me”.  No sooner were the words out of my mouth and she had left the room I felt the rush of tears.  Tears that seemed to come from nowhere.  I struggled to regain my composure. (In the past I’ve cried in front of too many doctors who dismissed my feelings or leave because they were uncomfortable)

I was, obviously, feeling much more vulnerable than I had been consciously aware of.

With fibromyalgia I know there is always that possibility of feeling better the next day, always the possibility of science coming out with more information and better medications and I know it’s not life threatening.

My heart, as I age, becomes more and more dependent on the pacemaker, on something foreign implanted in my body.  They are the same tears I had in my early days of fibromyalgia when no one knew what it was or what to do about it and doctors were just stabbing in the dark.  I feel like I’m being stabbed again.

Haiku

Mechanical beats

Winter of my discontent

Heart felt discomfort

If you want to read more about Tallulah and see her pictures cut’n’paste  Pacemaker, Tallulah Pacehead in the search block at top of blog

16 thoughts on “Pacing My Pacemaker, Tallulah Pacehead – (winter)

  1. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It really is frustrating when we go to doctors for help and they can’t. I hope your appointment today brings you some answers.

    Much hugs and love and warm thoughts to you and Tallulah.

    Maureen

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  2. I’m sorry you felt that way, but tears can be useful; if we don’t let them out, our minds would implode.

    I do know the feeling. My husband has CFS/ME which, as you may know, is similar to FM. We have had to cope with (and still do) an uncaring system. I hope you have someone supporting you.

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    • Tilly,
      Oh, my a man with CFS/ME. My guess is the system has been even more difficult for the both of you. I’ve had many male clients with CFS or Fibro and doctors are even more entrenched in their beliefs that MEN don’t get these. My heart goes out to you, even as it is being “paced”.
      Thanks Tilly.

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  3. I’m just catching up………….I can’t even find the words that I want to say. You have been a pillar of strength to me and helped me in ways that you’ll never know. To know that you are feeling this way because of Tallulah just hurts me. Know that I am always here for you and I hope that the doctor cures you! Rest and take care of yourself and, if need be, get another opinion.

    Hugs to you………

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  4. Oh Judy,
    I’m so sorry your are having problems. You are so loved.
    Doctors have walked out! This so sad to hear.
    It’s good to cry.
    I’m beaming my light your way.
    xoxo
    Ida

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  5. I’ve been away from the cyberverse; sorry to hear that Tallulah and your heart are having problems. Also sorry that it’s the winter of your discontent right now. Having trouble with words today, so I’ll just finish this comment off with a ((((((hug)))))). Feel better soon!

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  6. Judy,
    Sorry Talulah is still having problems. You know your reaction is normal. Hope is still there, like a flower bud in winter. It will bloom again.

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  7. Oh dear, the thought of YOU crying makes me want to cry. But, I will be strong for you. It is nerve-wracking isn’t it? And, as much as you try to meditate it away, Life can be very stressful sometimes. If you want to talk, please give me a call. I hope things resolve themselves quickly, home to NY for a second or third opinion? Feel better, thinking of you, Love and soft hugs, Laurie F.

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