A Rose Never Smelled so Sweet

Dear Rose,
I want to express my sincere appreciation for you so helpfully putting all of my phobias in one place and adding a few I hadn’t considered.

This is to let you know I am moving to a remote island somewhere in the ocean when I can find a way to get there without going by plane or boat because they are too dangerous.

Oh, and please don’t call me because I’ve gotten rid of my cell phone which emits cancer causing rays.
With eternal appreciation
P.S. Thank goodness I use a laptop with a touch pad!

The above was my response to an e-mail Rosemary Lee from Seeking Equilibrium sent me.  Here’s her e-mail:

“As we progress through to the end of 2012, I want to express my sincere appreciation for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little hope of recovery in my life time.

  • I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
  • I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
  • I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
  • Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
  •  I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
  •  I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
  • ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
  •  I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
  •  I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
  • I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
  •  THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
  • BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
  •  I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
  • I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
  • AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
  •  I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
  • I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
  • And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
  •  THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
  • AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a 25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
  •  I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
  • If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, and by the way…
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

😉 Rosemary,  Seeking Equilibrium

7 thoughts on “A Rose Never Smelled so Sweet

  1. I have had a phobia about germs for years, but you have added to my list. Thanks a lot!
    p.s. I did have a cup of water explode in the microwave once. But I wasn’t near it so I wasn’t disfigured.


    • Mo,
      I had water explode in the microwave too and I did get a tiny bit scalded. It was scary. So now I never clean the microwave because I certainly don’t want to take a chance. I don’t clean the oven, floors, windows, refrigerator, clothes either because you just never know what might explode. When things get dirty I throw them out and buy a clean new one.


  2. I read dear Rose’s Post too and we can’t even even swim anywhere in the ocean because the one holy place for me-the ocean, is now filled with sharks. Big, hungry, swimmer eating sharks. Thanks Rosemary!!! Judith, I knew YOU would understand. Love, Laurie F.


    • Laurie F.
      Stinging Jelly fish will get you before you get deep enough to swim with the sharks. They will get you on the shore line and inject PAINFUL poison into your feet and you will have to go to the ER where you can contract deadly bacteria. That is if you don’t crash in the ambulance speeding to the ER . . .


  3. I tell you this Judy… my hand stayed on the mouse through out.. ha, ha, ha, I think one of the most entertaining and educational…. i.e. what do they call as.. edutaining e-mail this!!!! Thanks…I should stop typing lest my fingertips get boils..


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