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“But forgetting will strengthen the relationship more, don’t you think so?
Mmmmmm, I thought, Interesting question. Which led me to a bigger question: Can we ever truly forget?
The mind is a strange and wondrous place. I believe that EVERYTHING, every thought, feeling , observation, experience the sum total of our life is stored. Stored in the brain? Stored in the soul? Stored in Ashakic records? Don’t know.
I believe that we can consciously forget small transgressions or hurts (mercifully the older we get the more we forget) but never do we consciously or unconsciously forget a deep wounding or repeated hurts from the same person/source.
“Trauma” memory is stored in the brain for easy retrieval. It is a survival mechanism to remember the growl of a bear so we aren’t eaten. It’s not a survival mechanism to remember stubbing our toe in a babbling brook.
Mmmmmm, I mused on. Which led me to this:
What strengthens relationships is when the “transgressor” admits to his/her role, works on making amends and changes the hurtful behaviour. This takes time – lots of time to – to do right behaviour over and over and over. When the trust is broken it is never, in my experience, forgotten, nor should it be.
This is what I tell clients who have been hurt:
“You can forgive them for being _______ (stupid, selfish, limited, deranged etc) but do not trust them until they’ve demonstrated trustworthy behaviour consistently for a long time.
Trust is EARNED through trustworthy behaviour over time. Ideally their words and behaviour should match. If there’s a disconnect focus on the behaviour, not the words. . . Always the behavior.
Time and right behaviour strengthen relationships. And don’t forget it!
(of course that’s just my opinion … what’s yours?)