The 3 “R’s of Old Age-Raving, Ranting & Regretting

maybe-better-not-do-a-tantrum-on-the-floor-because-who-knows-if-I-ever-will-get-up-again (title – compliments of Sarah!

I do not like being an old lady.  There’s not much I can do about it but I don’t like it.  I don’t like it!  I do NOT like it!  If there was someone watching right now I would lay down on the floor, pummel my legs up and down and scream out obscenities which I’m too embarrassed to write down proving I’m an old lady because I was taught that ladies, no matter their age, don’t swear.  Even now, when I can’t be sent to my room, I hesitate to say “hell” or “shit” much less utter worse.  The problem is I don’t even know what current swear words are.  (There’s even a bigger problem if I lay down on the floor.  With no one here to watch  I might not be able to get back up without help.)

The urban slang dictionary didn’t exist until I was well past middle age and I couldn’t even look up cuss words that were creative.  I’m now stuck with the “hells” and “I don’t give a damns” because that’s all I learned.

Let’s talk about wrinkles (it’s easier than the belly fat that has accumulated around my mid-section when even sucking in my stomach it still blubs around like Santa Claus’ bowl full of jelly.  So wrinkles it is.) 

Why would I want wrinkles? . . . to  prove I’m as wise as I have ostensibly become?  Phony baloney, I’v never seen a wrinkled owl.   Rather than look wise it’s easier to look down my elongating nose at people who have plastic surgery, botox or collagen treatments.  If I weren’t scared of pain and had the money I’d get rid of my wrinkles.  Instead, I’m doomed to cultivating a self-righteous attitude about my aging, sagging, bagging body and pretend to embrace how old I am.

I’ve tried political correctness – how wonderful it is to be wise, to have accumulated all this worldly experience and be on social security . . . I’ve tried to embrace aging, smile when people ask me what I do and act like it’s  wonderful to have no career, no purpose, no energy.  I’ve tried wrinkle creams that promise me youth.  I’ve tried laughing at the “old age” cartoons that appear in my in-box and sting in their truths.

Give me the money (and a bottle of numbing vodka – ladies don’t want alcohol breath) and I’ll be on the next surgeon’s schedule to tighten my jowls, pull up my eyelids and get rid of the bags under my eyes . . .  

I’ve even considered moving to another country where old age is supposedly venerated.   But I’m too tired to pack so I live in these here United States where I’m wise enough to know it’s the youth who say it like it is and have the energy to make this world a better place.

Old age – phooey. It’s highly over-rated . . . by the elderly.

A Cautionary Tale

Dance while you’re young

Pierce your tongue

Dye your hair green

Eat fat, not the lean

Don’t give a lick what makes you tick

Eat, drink and be merry

because if you tarry

you’ll soon be too old

all covered with mold

and have to scrap it off with a stick













8 comments on “The 3 “R’s of Old Age-Raving, Ranting & Regretting

  1. Oh, my! This one has me in tears of laughter, Judy! I´m not yet considered old – but often feel that way anyway sometimes. 😉 But it can´t be too bad if you can still make fun of it, can it? And keep looking down at people who have plastic surgery because they might be wrinkle-free but they all look so much alike it´s actually pretty scary, at least it is to me!!
    And I love that little painting and totally get the maybe-better-not-do-a-tantrum-on-the-floor-because-who-knows-if-I-ever-will-get-up-again so much! 😀
    Have a beautiful weekend!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re going to give people the wrong impression about you, Judy. So I’m going to tell it like it is.


    Judy has a few years on her. But she laughs at every appropriate opportunity and many that aren’t, making everyone around her laugh as well. I can think of a whole bunch of reasons to walk away from other folks, but to hang around the person who makes you laugh – why would anyone do that? Stick around Judy, and the weight of all your years will decrease – wriggled off in bouts of laughter.

    Judy doesn’t look her age. Meaning that if she has wrinkles, you don’t notice them, because what you DO notice is the sparkle in her eyes. The passion in her speech. The actions of her hands as they describe the world. She keeps talking about her weight and you might have the impression she leans toward Santa in size. Actually, she’s very slender with maybe an extra 4 ounces around her middle. You want to see fat? Come see me – except I’m hiding.

    Judy is always politically correct. That’s because she thinks, speaks, and acts with a deep sense of compassion for others. She cares. Can’t be any more correct than that – political, spiritual, physical, mental, or factual.

    As for Judy’s language, she really doesn’t know any bad words. Not because I haven’t tried to teach her (so-o-o-o many,) but because her world view of kindness simply has no space for angry words. She has to rely on me to blurt out the ugly words. I’m trying to learn from her to fagetaboutit. At least to use my nice words.

    Then there’s purpose of life. She thinks it left with the last rocket to the moon, or when she retired, whichever came first. But no, it’s still there. Please remind Judy that I would be lost without her, my wise, sweet friend.

    Liked by 2 people

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