Category Archives: Fun & Frivolity

Update on my condition

Papa’s Instructions Pome

Children of ours,  it’s your time to play

So listen closely to what I say

To your DNA you must stay true

Here’s exactly what you are to do:

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Mama Cold, Papa Cold and their 3 virus babies 

Baby 1

Dump buckets of muck

up judy’s nose

Make sure you duck

before she blows

Baby 2 

Bang on her brain

whistle in her ears

like a choo choo train

til she bursts into tears.

Baby 3

Pound on her head

jump on her chest

all night long in bed

so she gets no rest

Children, it’s now up to you

judy is yours to do

Cuz Mama is weary 

teaching how-to

 with no app or Siri.

And your papa is tiring

 of non-stop siring

It’s Mom & me off to find a new home

Hallelujah! you’re on your own

Practice what we’ve taught

drive judy crazy, make her lazy

don’t give it an afterthought

Spend all your time

making her go outa her mind

Antidote for Santa – Peace & Good Cheer

My Annual Christmas pome – Sick Ole St Nick undoubtedly struck a chord among my many many followers – well at least one . . .

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By Sharon Bonin-Pratt*

Goodness, I feel sorry for the poor man in red his weary reindeer and sled
Don’t blame me cuz I’ve never participated in dragging that man from his bed
The worst you can say is I’ve not enough candles and therefore can’t light
All my eight menorahs, yes, count ’em, eight Hanukkah for eight days of light
Tell Santa to give up the late ride and eat chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil
Safer to spin driedles, tell stories of brave Maccabees and the miracle of oil
And he’ll feel much better when he rises well rested at the end of this year
Not having delivered gifts heavier than a wish for peace and good cheer

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Happy Chanukah!!

*Disclosure:  Printed without permission from the author . .  

Annual Christmas Day Pome – Sick Ole St Nick

T’was the Day After Christmas Eve Pome

It’s true so they say that on Christmas day

old St Nick is always sick

from sugar, carbs, inhaling soot

and lunging sacks of children’s loot

Santa has to unbuckle his belt

to make room for cookies, and chocolate gelt

Popping antacids with each milk drink

he’s lactose intolerant, that’s why the wink

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Up all night,

by mornings light he’s a fright

The chubby ole fellow, no longer mellow

Back’s in spasm, eyes are red

Climbing to chimney tops, legs like lead

When home he goes, the ho ho hoes

have turned to moans

the silent night filled with grunts and groans

No longer just plump he’s a fat grump

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The reindeer too have lost their cheer

for all things festive in the New Year

His packed on pounds during the rounds

create huge drag for even a stag

They huff, puff and wheeze

looking for a stiff breeze

to help carry Santa over roof tops and trees

All the way back the reindeer pray

he’ll loose 50 pounds before next Christmas day

Cuz Rudolph et. al are running out of gas

hauling Santa’s growing ass

  *   *   *

Merry Christmas to all who indulge and bulge!

from judy and Freddie Parker Westerfield

Freddie Parker Westerfield, Published Author
Freddie Parker Westerfield, CDT RET

Why Santa never gets caught

How Do Reindeer Fly?

Doodlewash is a blog I follow – both for Charlie O’s great water-colors but even more for his wonderful stories and descriptions about each drawing.

Today’s Doodlewash post inspired my pome.

Water-color by Charlie O'Shields
Water-color by Charlie O’Shields

Pome by judy

No one catches Santa on the roof

or in the snow sees prints

of tiny reindeer hoof

for Santa’s no bigger than a fly

and reindeer all the size of ants

ferry him through the Christmas sky

I don’t think it silly at all

to imagine reindeer quite so small

and know 

how Santa slides down chimney flues

with nary much soot on his beard or shoes

So make your cookies the size of peas

and leave the milk in a thimble please

Limit the weight of gifts and such

to crush an ant

 it doesn’t take much

   *     *    *

To read Charlie O’s inspiring story click here:

How Do Reindeer Fly?

21 ways to keep your sanity for the holidays

 Only  15 days till Chanukah!    15 days till Christmas!  22 days till New Year’s!  Time for my yearly reminder on how to keep sane.

Christmas:

  1. Instead of buying  a tree watch your friends decorate (and take down) theirs
  2. Convert to Judaism
  3. Sit in the lobby of a 5-star hotel and enjoy EXPENSIVE decorations.
  4. ADOPT a pig, instead of eating one.
  5. Make dinner potluck, you supply the paper plates and plastic cutlery
  6. Christmas dinner – Start with dessert and forget the rest.
  7. Sit on the beach in Bali.

8.  Go to bed on the 23rd and get up on January 3rd.*

9.  Only buy presents for Jesus.

10. Put a cover on the outside chimney opening so you don’t have to put out cookies and milk.

Chanukah:

11. Watch your friends decorate (and take down) their Christmas tree.

12. Convert.

13. Stay in a 5-star hotel for 8 days and nights.

14. Use credit cards instead of gelt

15. Instead of gambling with a dreidle at home go to Vegas

16. Don’t give presents, do good deeds

17. Go to bed on Thanksgiving and wake up on New Years**

18. Bake potatoes instead of grating them to death

19. Eat macaroons with Ben & Jerry

New Years:

20. *Remember! Stay in bed until the 3rd, unless you’re Jewish.

21. **If you are Jewish, go back to bed.

 

Peace on Earth & Sanity to all my Friends!

A Frankly Freddie Thanksgiving

Dear Human Beings,

Time for my ANNUAL Thanksgiving ‘Ode To Tom’ and tell you what I’m thankful for:

  • I’m thankful that I was not born in a country where they eat dogs.
  • I’m thankful you are all my best friends!
  • I’m thankful for all the treats I get even if I don’t get as many as I deserve
  • I’m thankful I am soft and fluffy so people want to pet me
  • DSCN4217Freddie Parker Westerfield,  Poet Laureate

A Turkey’s Tale

by Freddie Parker Westerfield

A turkey named Tom lived on a farm

His story is such, so they say

Waking at dawn

he’d peck at the lawn,

searching for bugs,

nibbling on slugs

of which he was particularly fond.

Then on Thanksgiving day

Gobbledy gobbledy gone!

So if  YOU took Tom from off his farm

in the middle of the night

please give him due thanks

for gracing your table.  (It’s  fitting and only right).

And for all the bugs and many slugs

which make him an organic delight

P.S.  I was told to tell you that my Human-being wishes you all things to be grateful for in your life, like she’s grateful for me.
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My BEST FRIEND Shari sent me this picture.  I think she might be a Turkeytarian . . .

 

Shower yourself with doodle art

This is one hot shower!  

“Third Man Records is pleased to share the genius surprise gift they received from their friend MICHEL GONDRY. On his own and without anyone’s knowledge, the legendary filmmaker shot a video for “City Lights,” which he sent them the other night. The video is Gondry’s fifth visual collaboration with The White Stripes. “City Lights” was written for The White Stripes’ GET BEHIND ME SATAN but then forgotten until White revisited the 2005 album for Third Man’s Record Store Day 2015 vinyl reissue and finished the recording in 2016. The track is the first new, worldwide commercially released song by The White Stripes since 2008.”

http://jackwhiteiii.com/

Music video by The White Stripes performing “City Lights” (Audio) from Jack White Acoustic Recordings 1998-2016. (C) 2016 Third Face, LLC

Director: Michel Gondry
Producer: Raffi Adlan
Camera/Editor: Brooke Palmieri
Special Thanks: Tilly Pederson, David Gritchen
Production Co: Partizan

 

Frankly Freddie (parenthetically speaking)

Dear Human Beings,

Do NOT, I repeat do NOT, believe everything you read.   This article is a case in point:

New research shows why dogs don’t like hugs.

Staff writers

“PET owners beware — new research has revealed that dogs don’t like hugs from their owners, which can make them (the owners?) more stressed out.”
“According to new research published in Psychology Today, Stanley Coren from the University of British Columbia, said dogs respond differently to humans who seek comfort from hugging others.”
“Coren, who studies canine behaviour, analysed a random sample of 250 pictures of humans hugging their dogs that he could find online through Flickr and a Google image search.” (skewed data – he left out Pintrest and Instagram where the animal pictures are more photogenic)
“In using photos where the dog’s face was easily seen, he looked whether the dog appeared to be anxious or distressed, relaxed, or showed a neutral response to being hugged.”
“He found that around 82 per cent of the photographs showed “unhappy dogs” receiving hugs from their owners or children.”

Freddie Parker Westerfield, Published Author
Freddie Parker Westerfield, Published Author

He said that dogs show signs of distress when they bare their teeth (called a smile when humans do it), turn their heads away from something ( just being bored and looking around), or they partially close their eyes (doesn’t everyone close their eyes when ecstatic?).
Another sign of anxiety is when a dog’s ears are lowered or “slicked against the side of his head”. (Stanley, it’s just our coiffure)
He also said that licking lips or licking a person’s face can also be a sign of anxiety, like yawning or raising a paw. (I lick when it’s tasty)
Coren said the fact that dogs don’t like being hugged can be explained by their behavioural nature.

As “cursorial animals”, (cursorial?  I swear I never curse) they are designed for swift running. When stressed, a dog’s first instinct is to run away.
It is believed that when they are restricted from moving with a hug, it can increase a dog’s stress level and potentially cause them to bite their owners. (or bite researchers)

It’s not the hugs that stressed the dogs out it was having their pictures taken WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT to be displayed for all the world to see.

Freddie Parker Westerfield, Pulblished Poet
Freddie Parker Westerfield, Blogger

So hug away you human-beings and always follow-up with a treat for us dogs (you got your treat with the hug)

Frankly yours,

Freddie Parker Westerfield, CDT RET, CDB

Canine Dog Therapist, Retired and Certified Dog Blogger

 

A Leg Up – The Princess & the Pea

I sent my doodle cartoon to Sketchbook Skool & Doodlers Anonymous

and now I’m sending it to you.

The Princess & the Pea- Dispelling the Myth

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The test of a REAL princess is tenacity and ingenuity, not vegetable intolerance.

Happy Easter Klatch Hatch

 Better to give life than eat it.

This watercolor by Kathrin Werner made me smile.   Happy Easter and beyond!

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Watercolor by Kathrin Werner

Kathi also has the best blog series – She’s created an alligator with attitude named Benni:   

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“As the landlord had forgotten to tell the other guests that Benni was a vegetarian, hardly anybody did sleep in that night.”

and you can brush up on your German when you read her blog:

“Außer Benni schlief keiner. Der Hüttenwirt hatte vergessen den anderen Gäste zu sagen, dass Benni Vegetarier war.”

Click here: KathrinsWorld

 P.S.  She even has an ETSY shop

 

 

DOODLEWASHing & Hairy Bird pome

Hairy Pome by judy

Have you not heard
of the elusive Kingfisher bird?
When it is hatched
it sports a moustache
Thank goodness there’s no beard
that would be weird

Watercolor by Charlie O', Kingfisher Bird
Watercolor by Charlie O’Shields, Moustached Kingfisher Bird

Read more about this birdie at doodlewash

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Now back to washing the dishes and the soapy water that reminded me to water the flowers in the garden which reminded me about this video . . .

Thanks Sharon M.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it a good thing . . . or a sign . . . I can no longer remember when my attention deficit was activated . . .?

DOODLEWASHing & monkey pome

Want to monkey around?
just blow with your nose
to create a sound
that tingles the toes

However, it’s said
if a monkey you bed
your kids will be hairy
swing from the trees
blowing their noses
and hang by their knees

Whoops, WRONG picture
Whoops, WRONG picture.  Sorry Charlie O’ . . .

“Unfortunately, like many of this unusual creatures, this species is classified as endangered. Though an odd face, they’re generally good natured with each other, but due to extensive loss of vegetation, there are only about 1,000 of them left. The government of Borneo has instituted strict penalties for those who kill them in an effort to protect what’s left of the dwindling population.”

If you want to see the PROBOSCIS MONKEY’S picture you will have to click here: DOODLEWASH

DOODLEWASHing & a shrimpy pome

The Peacock mantis shrimp
is no wimp.
Its rear sways
while the front prays
that its glow
doesn’t go.
4 inches is enough
to strut it’s stuff

Watercolor Peacock Mantis Shrimp by Charlie O'
Watercolor, Peacock Mantis Shrimp by Charlie O’Shields

“Some mantis shrimp species are rather romantic, meeting their dream shrimp and staying together for life, which is up to 20 years. These lovebirds share the same burrow, protect their eggs, and help each other in hunting. When particularly aroused during mating rituals, the mantis shrimp will start to fluoresce. This means, you guessed it, they have glow-in-the-dark sex, which more than qualifies them as an uncommon creature.”

Click here to find out why the shrimp is no wimp: doodlewash

DOODLEWASHing – What’s all the Stink About?

“Along with its spiky reddish-brown hairdo, it’s quite a sight to behold. It’s also a bird that you are better off viewing from a safe distance due to its other key characteristic that has earned it’s rather insulting nickname. But it’s an accurate one, as the stinkbird actually does smell like poop.”

judy’s stink bird pome

The Stink bird, if you will
is a walking, pecking still
Its cow poop smell
is just a cover
for a liquor lover.

Stink bird by Charlie O'
Watercolor Stink bird by Charlie O’ Shields

Wanna know why it stinks?  Ya gotta click here:  DOODLEWASH Sinkbird  

doodlewashing & wailing (the wailing part is me)

Found a grrrrrrrrreat new blog doodlewash.  The artist CHARLIE O’SHIELDS is good AND his subjects are weird and wonderful critters (at least the ones I’ve seen so far) My kinda guy!  To make it even better the information he posts about the animals he draws is fascinating.

As those of you who follow my blog know I’ve been in a slump – physically, mentally and creatively.  The minute I saw Charlie’s drawings and read about critters . . . well . . .  it inspired the poet in me.

judy’s jerboa pome

Long-eared jerboa
picky diet of insects
nibbles on their feet
but spits out their toa

Long Eared
Watercolor, Long Eared Jaboa by Charlie O’Shields

“Caught on video for the first time in 2007, this little creature may look like an odd little rodent, but it’s really quite distinct. There’s no other animal of its exact type on the planet. Looking a bit like a mouse-sized kangaroo, it’s humorously long legs give it the ability to jump over 3 feet (1 meter) high.”

To read the part that inspired my pome ya gotta click here: DOODLEWASH

Hacker Appreciation pome

In my life time I’ve been whacked

I’ve been blindsided

and been sacked

Now I’m included

 in the pantheon of the hacked

So if you are my hacker

please know I AM pleased

you used a younger picture of me

as a tease.

IACH Board having fun

"More proof she's losing it . . ."

 “More proof she’s losing it . . .”

Valentines NOT just from the heart

In case you’ve not gotten a valentine card for your sweetie it’s not too late to get something that’s personal, permanent and not just from your heart but from other parts of you too.

Lovey Dovey, Whenever I think of you I go crazy

Baby Boo, You are the lounge chair of my life. (Eames,no less)

Sweetie Pie, I could just eat you up!

My Love, Count on me to always watch your back.

Sweet Pea, I love you to the tips of my toes.

Baby, Take ALL of ME!

The First day of my Birthday Season – I’m Wrinkling in Strange Places

(Oh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees – days and days and days and daaaaaaaaaaays of celebration.  You can send me gifts in lieu of flowers or cake per my birthday season RULES, #3).

To celebrate I slept-in late . . . 

Oh nooooooooooooooooo – I have vertical ridges in my fingernails.  So, of course, I googled “fingernail ridges”:

“There are many reasons for ridged nails but the most common is aging,” says Dr. Phoebe Rich, M.D, clinical adjunct professor of dermatology at Oregon Health Science University. As we age the nail matrix becomes atrophied  in areas resulting in longitudinal ridging of nails. I tell people they are like wrinkles in the nails.”

It’s bad enough that my face is wrinkling . . . my neck is wrinkling . . . and now! my fingernails are wrinkling!

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The next thing I know I’ll wake up and I will look like a Shar-pei.

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Bob Blobfish sez: ". . . I p"
Bob Blobfish sez: “I’d be upset too if I woke up looking like a Shar-pei”

 

My Annual Birthday Season!

After 71 times it’s getting a bit boring . . . another birthday . . .  Now don’t get me wrong I’m grateful I’m still around to celebrate but as Groucho Marx said: 

“Age is not a particularly interesting subject.  Anyone can get old.  All you have to do is live long enough.” 

The good news is my birthday SEASON** is getting longer . . . and so is YOURS.  In case, you’ve forgotten the rules (because you are getting old and forget a lot of things) and want to celebrate your own Birthday Season I’m reposting my repost from my reposted repost that I repost every year.
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Birthday Season Rules:

  1. Beginning on the day of your birth your season lasts the number of days you are old.  Consequently, every year your Birthday Season is one day longer.  With me so far?
  2. You are to celebrate your birth the entire season by choosing whatever you wish to do, or NOT do,  each day.  So far so good!
  3. People give you presents the entire season.  SO GOOD, so far!
  4. You must be over 50 to qualify for Birthday Season status.  (Over 50 you need more time to celebrate because it takes you longer.)
  5. You may start your Birthday Season before the actual date of your birth.  But you cannot exceed the number of days you are old.
  6. Those who are under the age of 50 can celebrate a Birthday Season as long as they don’t tell anyone or demand presents.(Gargle thoroughly after breakfast to eliminate tell-tale “Birthday Season Breath”.)
  7. You must eat doughnuts everyday for breakfast during your season. (If you don’t like doughnuts you can choose anything you want as long as it isn’t healthy).
  8. Every day of your season you must be grateful for being born and still being alive.  (After your Birthday Season is over you can revert to moaning about your age).

**In case, you’ve forgotten how the

Birthday Seasons Rules came to be

  (because you are getting old and forget a lot of things)

here’s how :

Many years ago my good friend Bernice and I were sitting in a motel room (don’t go THERE – we were at the motel, attending an imagery conference) eating doughnuts for breakfast.  We picked this motel because it had FREE doughnuts and coffee every morning.   It was just before our birthdays which are a few weeks apart.

A bit giddy from not sleeping well on motel mattresses and slightly inebriated on chocolate covered doughnuts, we decided that if we were going to get older each year we would at least take advantage of our accumulating age.  We created OUR BIRTHDAY SEASON.

"Food for thought . . . "
“Doughnuts . . . . . . .Food for thought . . . “

Click here for my birthday “make-overs” I was contemplating last year: 17 years and 2 months left to live

O’ Woe is Me and my Rule of Halves (parenthetically speaking)

My dear Curious to the Max followers,

I imagine there are millions of you (I have a big imagination) who wait with bated breath and quickening heart beats for my posts – I shall call you Group Numero UNO.  You are keenly aware (due to your breath and heart rhythm) I’ve been bloggingly absent.  The rest of you (group 2, small “g”) are scratching your heads (or other parts) and wondering what I’m talking about because your lives, breath and hearts have gone on nicely without my posting.

For Numero UNO:  I just have lost my mojo, my energy, my focus – not interested in writing, reading, gardening, e-mailing, blog posts started and abandoned . . .  I’m giving credit to a fibromyalgia flare-up because fibromyalgia should be good for something.

For the second group: I am LOST, DEPLETED, SUFFERING and you probably don’t care . . .

On a serious note (not that I wasn’t serious before) fibromyalgia along with many other chronic conditions has a mind of it’s own and takes over at unexpected and unpropitious times.  After over 20 years of living with this condition I’ve still not got the hang of it.  When I feel decent I go, do, get overly involved and then crash for days, sometimes weeks (or months, but who’s counting).

The BACK half
The BACK half

To better manage what energy I have I’ve decided to do half of the ten things I currently need or want to do:

  1. Complete half the alphabet for the on-line daily blogging alphabet posting challenge. (I’ve half a mind not to even do the challenge this year and repost what I wrote LAST year).
  2. Brush half my teeth each day (I’ll alternate halves – half in the morning and half before bed)
  3. Clean and dust the half of the house I can’t reach.
  4. Stop watching the Super Bowl at half-time.
  5. Eat half the pan of brownies I’m making (half today and half tomorrow).

That’s half of my plans so I’m not going to write the other five.  

My New Motto (you can borrow it):

Live half my life with gusto, let the other half rest.

"This woman is half-baked as ever . . . "
“This woman is half-baked”

 

 

 

I Resolve to be Resolute about my New Year’s Resolutions

Changing behavior is VERY hard work.  I think conserving energy is very important in this hectic world and that’s why I’ve always tried to avoid toooooo much behavior change toooooo fast.

HOWEVER, as I get older there is less and less time to do all the things I want to accomplish.  So this year I’m determined to keep my resolutions.

My 2016 Resolutions:  

  1. I will think a lot more about how I could get a lot more organized.
  2. I will read more real life stories about how women lost weight and successfully kept it off.
  3. I will focus more on doing things that come easily to reduce the amount of wasted time on figuring out how to do what is difficult.
  4. I will stop dwelling on what I resolved to do in 2015.
  5. I will spend 2016 getting ready for 2017.

Wish me luck!

I wish you a HEALTHY 2016 filled with LOVE.P1040230

"There she goes . . . again"
“There she goes . . . again”

My Naughty or Nice Pome

When you’re stuck in the middle tween naughty or nice

here’s free advice to add some spice

Be sure to indulge in all things obscene

(as long as the police don’t intervene)

You can’t live twice . . . so shake, rattle ‘n roll . . . them dice

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Ai yi yiiii, I’d be afraid to go to the bathroom

Did you know you can train your brain not to wake you up at night to go to the bathroom?  When you get the “full bladder” signal in the middle of the night ignore it.  Trust me you won’t wet the bed.  In about 2 nights your brain will stop signaling you that your bladder is full.  

If you don’t trust what I’m saying, try painting your floor!

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Thanks Linda B.!!!!!!!!

You’ve got a Microbiome!

 They call us “home”

our microbiome.

Our body spews 

a cloud no one can see

Bacteria, viruses, fungi

intermingling you and me

Releasing microbes in the air

from head to toe where ever we go

Because they’re here to stay

Don’t waste your money

on bug spray

If you don’t believe me read: wherever-you-go-your-personal-cloud-of-microbes-follows

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An excerpt:

“Each of us carries around millions of microorganisms – including bacteria, fungi and viruses — on the inner and outer surfaces of our bodies. Most of them aren’t dangerous. In fact, growing evidence indicates that they help us in lots of ways. Scientists call this collection of organisms our microbiome.”

‘”A lot of the recent work on the human microbiome has revealed that we’re kind of spilling our microbial companions all over our houses and our offices and the people around us,” Meadow says.”

“Meadow says the findings raise a number of possibilities, including, maybe, one day being able to identify a criminal by analyzing the microbial cloud he or she leaves behind at the scene.”

We know that if you live with people, and even if you just work with people, your microbial communities come to resemble theirs over time, Knight says. “And in the past we used to think that was due to touch. It may be just that you’re releasing microbes into the air and some of those microbes are colonizing the people you’re with.”

Go! Fish!

One of my favorite childhood poems:

Fishy fishy in a brook

Papa catch ’em with a hook

Mama fry ’em in a pan

Baby eat ’em like a man

Here’s my updated version based on new medical technology:

Fishy fishy in your bod

cleaning out all your sod

from top of head to little toe

Sushi, sushi on the go

"Food for thought. "
“Food for thought. “

Read this excerpt from the article that inspired me to wax poetic:

“Tiny “fish” could soon be swimming in your bloodstream.”

“Nanoengineers at the University of California, San Diego, have developed 3D printing technology called “microscale continuous optical printing” that can print hundreds of microrobots within seconds, each one smaller than the width of a single hair.

“Wei Zhu, a nanoengineering Ph.D. student who co-authored the report, wrote that “the microfish can doubly serve as detoxification systems and as toxin sensors.” When the researchers incorporated toxin-neutralizing nanoparticles into the microfish bodies, they found that their powerful swimming ability allowed them to efficiently clean out toxins from the solution. When the particles interacted with toxins, they emitted a red glow; the greater the presence of toxins, the greater the intensity of the glow.”

“The researchers are exploring the possibility of using this as a medical tool. They want to incorporate medicine into the microfish so that they can be injected into someone’s system in order to distribute drugs.”

Click on the title if you don’t believe me!

Write on – Unfair Treatment

Since I spend a lot of time (off and on) writing this blog and attending a writing critique group I figured it’s time to learn the tools of the trade.  I signed up for a free Emeritus writing class from the local junior college.  (“emeritus” is a sophisticated word for anyone who qualifies for Social Security.) 

The first assignment was to write a two page SHORT story about being unfairly treated or treating someone else unfairly. 

(Names have been omitted to protect my image)

Unfair Treatment – Body, Mind & Me

By Judy Westerfield

     “More! More!” my mind screams at me. Her desire reverberates throughout my body. Once again, I’m caught in the middle ­ between body and mind, between hedonism and health.

     The three of us — body, mind and me — have been together a very long time. Over the years the mind has grown bolder, louder. To keep the peace I usually do what she says, even though it’s often based on want rather than need. Today is no exception.

     For the second time in less than an hour I retrieve the half-gallon carton from the freezer.

     “More! More!” She is unrelenting.

     “Calm down. “I’m scooping as fast as I can.”

      I ladle from the carton to the soup bowl –­ 1/3 less fat, 120 calories, $2.99 on sale ­ — spoonfuls of vanilla, chock full of chocolate chunks and ripples of golden caramel. Hard, too hard. I like it soft, just this side of starting-to-melt. Ten seconds in the microwave will do it. I’ve perfected the timing.

      “More! More!”

      “You will just have to wait 10 seconds.” I can be firm.

        It’s creamy, cold, sweet and glides deliciously from the lips all the way down to the stomach.

     “Ahhhh. Mmmm,” she purrs and declares it to be an invention ranking right up there with the discovery of fire, the wheel and Tampax.

      The bowl is empty. She points out that there’s more in the carton, purposely left out on the counter, which is now just the right soft consistency.

     “120 calories per serving . . . 12 servings per carton . . .1,440 calories,“ she calculates. “We’ll just skip dinner.”

*         *         *

     “Why? Why?” My distended stomach cries out, pushing painfully against the waistband of my pants. Hips expand, thighs grate together, intestines grumble while impolitely relieving themselves of gas as I walk to the trash to throw away the empty carton.

     The body unfairly treated, yet again, by me. And the mind . . . she’s still screaming . . .    

   “More! More!”

Bob Blobfish sez:
Bob Blobfish sez: “. . . I prefer ice cream cones –  they’re easier to hold in the water”

Now THAT’S a mouthful . . .

 “The Oxford English Dictionary has added a slew of new words, and let’s just say these awesomesauce entries will have you fangirling.”

  • fast-casual, adj.: denoting or relating to a type of high-quality self-service restaurant offering dishes that are prepared to order and more expensive than those available in a typical fast-food restaurant
  • cakeagen.: (informal) a charge made by a restaurant for serving a cake they have not supplied themselves
  • beer o’clockn.: an appropriate time of day for starting to drink beer
  • hangryadj.: (informal) bad-tempered or irritable as a result of hunger
  • wine o’clockn.: an appropriate time of day for starting to drink wine
  • snackableadj.: (of online content) designed to be read, viewed, or otherwise engaged with briefly and easily
  • barbacoan.: (in Mexican cooking) beef, lamb, or other meat that has slowly been cooked with seasonings, typically shredded as a filling in tacos, burritos, etc.
  • cupcakeryn.: a bakery that specializes in cupcakes
“I love a mouthful”
 

The Two-Way challenged their colleagues to see who could use the most new additions in a single sentence. Here’s Lauren Hodges, THE WINNER!!!

“Hey bruh, NBD and I don’t want to bants or act all butthurt, but I will straight-up rage-quit our lease over your fur-baby, who is rly not awesomesauce, despite your repeated attempts to mansplain its resting bitch face as “pensive,” or its constant theft of my frozen barbacoa burritos because it was hangry and craving something melty even though you get all cheffy for it three times a day, or its butt-dialing my ex because you didn’t see my phone sitting there while you were getting it to kayfabe all over the table for your rando friends, or my swole eyes being from my constant celebrations of beer o’clock and wine o’clock because we both know that dog manspreads all over my pillows when I’m not home, so stop with your weak sauce deradicalization and attempts to make this a skippable topic and by the way, you might want to get it to stop chewing my shoes before it gets hit on the head with this mic drop, mkay?”

 For the complete list of new words – tech related, silly, political/social developments AND other mouthful-entries click HERE

Don’t think that because I picked out only the food related new words to share with you  I am a rando (randa?),  mkay?

 

Frankly Freddie – National Human Day

Dear Human-beings,

Although it’s officially National Dog Day I am celebrating National Human Day.  (Have to toss humans a “bone” every so often)

Human-beings are weird critters but we canines love you anyway. We try to take good care of you but, as you know, humans can be stubborn, arbitrary and difficult to train.  That’s why most of us prefer to adopt those of you who are already toilet trained, like to walk and can open the refrigerator.  But humans who drool, roll around the ground and babble can be fun playmates even when they are as old as my human-being.

Freddie Parker Westerfield, Pulblished Poet
Freddie Parker Westerfield, CDT, RET

Do me a favor and click on The Greater Good – Animal Rescue Site.  It’s free and every click helps all my buddies.  (There are also some Greater Good Sites that help Human Beings.)

And since It’s Freddie’s National Human Being Day treat yourself to a walk, a nap and something to chew on.

Frankly,

Freddie Parker Westerfield, CDT, RET

Giving amnesty to Daddy-longlegs

A Daddy-longlegs spider lives in my bathroom. It might be a Mommy-longlegs as she’s quite petite.  My eyesight isn’t good enough to tell her gender.  Even if I could I’m not sure what to look for . . .

I let her live there peacefully since we have a lot in common.  She’s discrete, I’ve never seen her entertain overnight visitors and quite tidy as I’ve never found any droppings of  left-overs from digested meals.   She leads a very monastic existence as do I (on occasion).

A Daddy Short-Legs Spider
A Daddy Short-Legs Spider

I’m not afraid of spiders (except those bigger than my thumb).  I try to steer clear of them because when I get bitten by one I have a painful, very painful,  allergic response. There is a legend that Daddy-longlegs are deadly venomous spiders which, after careful research, I found not to be true:

“Daddy-longlegs spiders (Pholcidae)There is no reference to any pholcid spider biting a human and causing any detrimental reaction. If these spiders were indeed deadly poisonous but couldn’t bite humans, then the only way we would know that they are poisonous is by milking them and injecting the venom into humans. For a variety of reasons including Amnesty International and a humanitarian code of ethics, this research has never been done. . . . Therefore, no information is available on the likely toxic effects of their venom in humans, so the part of the myth about their being especially poisonous is just that: a myth.”  http://spiders.ucr.edu/daddylonglegs.htm

I hesitate to get too chummy or name her because one day, should she decide to venture down from her post on the window near the ceiling and try to share my counter space, I might have to kill her.

(And with that, I sound like much of the world fighting for and protecting territory.  Perhaps it’s not so mysterious why we don’t have world peace?)

 

“Eat, Pray, Love” – Advice from Penelope the Pig

Penelope and I met a few years ago.  I went for a carton of milk and there she was, an albino pig, in a grocery store.  She was in a dangerous situation – it was only time before she ended up on the meat aisle. (OIY VEY)  So for $9 I took her home with the milk.

I gave her a bit of color and a bow and she went to live in my therapy office.

Very few clients ever commented on her.  I always suspected new clients didn’t quite know what to say and my long-term clients knew me well enough that they didn’t need to say anything.
 
Penelope retired the same time as Freddie Parker but she still has a lot of good advice: 

How to Live Life to the Fullest

by Penelope the Pig, CPT, RET

  • EAT greedily all the delectable things life gives you.

  • WALLOW in what’s soothing & cool.

  • SNORT at those who are not loving.

  • CELEBRATE how delicious you are.

  • PRAY you will not be eaten before your time.

May you all PIG OUT on LOVE,

Penelope the Pig, CPT, RET

Certified Pig Therapist, Retired 

Everlasting smiles!

I’ve never attended a Baptist Church Meeting – But if this is a sample of the services I’m going next Sunday. 
 
“Leaning on the Everlasting Arms” like you’ve never heard it before!
This man is  good – listen to his voice & how it changes to sound like the singers in each decade.
Enjoy!

Thanks Jane L.!!!!!

Long Live Sophia, my new role-model

Those of you who are regular readers know I’m a fragile flower.  I blame it on the fibromyalgia (at least fibro is good for something).  My system goes on overload if I watch, read, see, hear ANYTHING that is violent, sad or frightening.  I went to the Minion’s movie and it was too violent . . .

So when I watch TV it’s either HouseHunter’s International (lookie-loo travel), The Hallmark Channel (always a happy ending) or the Golden Girls. Sophia is my new role model.  She is wise beyond my years . . . and we have similar taste in food:

“I hate Jello.  If God wanted peaches to be suspended in mid-air He would have filled them with helium.” Sophia Petrillo

 

Frankly Freddie, How to Break Your Cell-phone Habit

You can get a collar at your local veterinarian. If you need a canine to get you an appointment I’m available for hire.

unnamed-3

 

Frankly,

Freddie Parker Westerfield, CDT, RET

P.S.  If you have withdrawal symptoms try doggie chews.

Freddie Parker Westerfield, CDT RET
Freddie Parker Westerfield, CDT RET

Thanks Sharon M.!!!!!!!

Draw a Stick-man

Draw a stick man or . . .  woman or . . .  animal or . . .  tree or . . .   !  

http://www.drawastickman.com/index.htm

Thanks Linda B. for the “Art” therapy – I drew a stick man giving the finger  . . .  I feel so much better.

 

 

FREE 6- week art online lessons – for kids and the kid in you!

“It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child.”

Pablo Picasso

The class will run the week of July 27-31, 2015. It’s for kids (especially!), but also teachers, homeschoolers, parents, grandparents, or anyone who has access to a child and/or wants to tap in to the child inside!

If you sign up, no questions asked about your age!

Click here to sign up and for more information

Frankly Freddie – If your shadow is square you’re a hedgedog

Dear Chris, Maws & Paws, My personal Groomer – Human Being,

The next time you come please do not make me look like a hedge-dog*. 

CGlzzIUUQAAgz7D

CGlwIzMWQAE3Hl4

Cutting dogs’ fur into perfect cubes, is the latest dog hairdressing trend to sweep Asia.  “It is not known where the inspiration for the trend originated, but the look has been cropping up at dog shows around Asia in recent months.”

“Hairdresser Tain Yeh, who runs a parlour in Taipei told the Daily Mail: “It came about because people were always looking for more impressive haircuts, and somebody came up with the idea of shaping the dog like a hedge.”’ (HEDGE!, sounds like the Organic Green Revolution has gone to the dogs) . . .  “The dogs don’t mind, (humph!, we are just too polite to complain) and the owners keep coming back for more. This sort of haircut needs a lot more maintenance than the regular type.”

CGfPeWmUgAA7riW

“She warned that the look isn’t one which works for all dogs and has this advice for any British dog owners seeking to emulate the slick cubes: “It is also not suitable for all breeds. The dog needs to have plenty of hair to play around with so that you can shape it around the face and body.” (I’d love to get my paws on a pair of clippers and trim human-beings to look like a poodle . . . or a HEDGE . . . or a  . . .)

If you don’t believe me read it here: Japanese People are Grooming their Dogs into Perfect Cubes  

*Frankly, I prefer the round look when I’m groomed

See you soon Chris!

Freddie Parker

P.S.  Chris, please bring treats

On my way to work

Frankly Freddie – Dog Dance

Dear Aunt Jane, Human Being,

Thank you for sending me this video.  It’s obvious that this dog is performing solely out of fear of being stabbed by the thing on her head.  Otherwise, there’s no explanation for it.

Frankly,

Freddie Parker Westerfield, Canine Dog

Dogdance Freestyle – Sandra & Lizzy

Come Fly with Me

This video reminded me of a memorable flight I took on Southwest Airlines.  Immediately after the landing gear touched the runway the flight attendant led all the passengers in song:

If you’re happy that you’ve landed, clap your hands

If you’re happy that you landed, clap your hands

If you’re happy that you’ve landed

and your baggage isn’t stranded

If you’re happy that you landed, clap your hands

Thanks Sharon for the memory!

Freddie’s Flash Fiction – The Tree

Dear Human-beings and other creatures, Those of you who follow my posts know how frank and fundamentally illuminating they are (not to mention how fantastically informative about the human condition).   This post is no exception as my story The Tree has an important lesson for all to heed.

Here is my first (and possibly only) draft of the story.  Those of you who appreciate and are knowledgable about this genre your “critique” would be appreciated before I am sought out by publishers.

Freddie Parker Westerfield, Published Author
Freddie Parker Westerfield, Published Author

 Freddie’s Flash Fiction

The Tree

By Freddie Parker Westerfield

Once upon a time, a long time ago, there lived a tree. (I frequently start my writing with “Once upon a time” as it lends a universal appeal to readers young and old) Its trunk was crooked and all its bark was peeling.  Big roots spread all around the tree, some deep in the earth and some growing above the ground.  The Tree lived in a park with other trees of its own kind on the far edge of town.  Every day many dogs of differing sizes and persuasions came to claim the tree as their territory.

One day, after years of being claimed, the tree yelled at a big black dog with pointy ears and a black nose sniffing around its roots, “I am NOT your territory!” The big black dog didn’t care what the tree thought, claimed it for its own and walked on looking for more territory.  

Within minutes a little white dog with floppy ears and a wet nose sniffed out where the big black dog had been. “I am a tree not a fire hydrant!,” the tree yelled at the little white dog  who ignored the tree, claimed it for its own and walked on looking for more territory.  

The tree, ever alert for impending indignities,  spotted a medium-sized dog with shaggy brown hair and a pink nose approaching.   Finally, after many years of being claimed by many dogs, the tree figured out that actions speak louder than words.  So it picked up its roots and walked away.

The end of my tail

The End

Frankly & Faithfully yours,

Freddie Parker Westerfield, Canine Dog Therapist RET, Author

Read my last published work: The Real Tail of Little Red Riding Hood

 

Sneek a Peek – I wrote a Pie Man pome

A weird collage I did in my journal led me to the Pie Man. 

judy's journal collage
judy’s journal collage

Pie Dream

The pie man delivers

in the dark of night

To your brain he goes straight

when it’s quiet and late

not to give you a fright

He’s a curious sight

Wearing pie on his head,

very berry red

a flaky vest on his chest

 he‘s a living taste test

His eyes are wacky

lips are smacky

from too much snacky

of tasty pie

a slightly weird guy

Pie Man After his midnight snack
Pie Man, After his midnight snack

But you’ll think him quite swell

because he’ll never tell

how much you eat

in your dreamy treat

Strawberry, apple or cherry pie

give them all a try

Pecan if you like a crunchy start

Key lime or lemon for sweet ‘n tart

So when you go to bed

No need for dread

chocolate, banana, coconut cream

each taste a luscious dreamy dream

Eat all you crave in your reveries

Pie man guarantees

no calories

 

Escapegoats and other Eggcorns

Never heard of “eggcorn”? . . .  neither had I but now it’s a new favorite:

“A word or phrase that sounds like and is mistakenly used in a seemingly logical or plausible way for another word or phrase.”  Merriam-Webster, which included eggcorn among the more than 1,700 words added to its dictionary this past week

DSCN6290
judy’s non-dominant hand drawing of 2 Escapegoats

Examples:

  • Spread like wildflowers” is an eggcorn when used instead of “spread like wildfire.”
  • Coldslaw” is an eggcorn if you meant “coleslaw.”
  • Self phone” is an eggcorn of “cellphone.”
  • A very smart 4 year old was telling me about getting ready for school each day and he had to remember to take his furnace bottle with him.   “Furnace bottle?” I asked.   “Yes, you know, a furnace bottle………keeps your soup hot until lunch time………
  • She seduced him using her “womanly wilds” (womanly wiles).
  • For all Intensive Purpose

Eggcorn” itself is an eggcorn. Linguist Geoffrey Pullum is credited with coming up the word, which is the way some people say “acorn.”

click to read other eggcorns which pass the mustard

 

 

Cure for pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis – Part III

Stroppy became famous from Esther Newton’s weekly writing challenge

For those of you new to my blog read the beginning of the story below to learn how Stroppy and her lonely astronaut ended up in the black abyss of outer space.

_______________________

Writing challenge #3 –  A 10-word story using the following 5 words:  Fedora, Patagonia, pink, melancholy, and Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (apparently the longest word in the dictionary, meaning a lung disease caused by inhalation of very fine silica or quartz dust – which, as we all know, is easily contracted should you find yourself untethered in space)

Patagonia*, adjusting her pink fedora, cured her melancholy astronaut’s pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

*”Patagonia” is one of Stroppy’s nick-names, which she often uses when feeling a bit frivolous.

DSCN6280

Writing challenge #1 – A 20-word story, using the words, ‘fairy’, ‘tomato’, ‘stroppy’, ‘nuzzling’ and ‘astronaut’.

Nuzzling the alien Stroppy, the lonely astronaut watched the tomato-earth rise. Stroppy comforted him. It’s no fairy-tale in space.

_____________________

Writing challenge #2 – use the following sentence in a story of any length: “I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this, I thought.”

Stroppy eyed her lonely astronaut tethered next to her in space I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this, she thought. Now that we’ve nuzzled it’s time. She bit cleanly through his safety tether and taking his gloved hand in hers pointed the jet thruster toward home. With a twinkle in her eye and terror in his, they zoomed off into the vacuum of space to meet Mom and Dad.

 

 

 

Listen to the #1 song on the day you were born.

A strange and wonderful place this internet . . .  Here’s a site which plays the song that was Number One on the day you were born. If there is a video available with the artist, it will play it for you.

http://playback.fm/birthday-song

Enjoy the show Rick – MUSIC! MUSIC! MUSIC! (I didn’t like my birthday song . . .)

Thanks Sharon for sending this!

Up a Tree X 8

An octopus in the sea

decided “Hey, this isn’t for me.” 

Climbing out of the muck

 said “If my life’s going to suck

I might as well be up a tree.”

treeocto

The Pacific Northwest tree octopus (Octopus paxarbolis) apparently was first sighted in the temperate rain forests of the Olympic Peninsula on the west coast of North America.  

However, since octopi, or more grammatically proper, octopuses (crediting Maggie Wilson , The Zombies Ate My Brain, for this important research) , are extremely intelligent  (“Some evolutionary theorists suppose that ‘arboreal adaptation’ is what laid the groundwork in primates for the evolution of the human mind.”) it appears tree octopuses are acclimating to harsher and milder climes in their quest for survival.  

 Check out sightings of the ALLEGED tree Octopus here.

Thanks to Jacqui Murray for helping to make me, her public, aware of this, ahem, “endangered species

Jacqui Murray, Ask a Tech Teacher

True Facts about the Octopus . . . . . and the Pentapus

Excess in life

just leads to strife

All I need is five 

to stay alive

One with which to eat

Two for feet

One to comb my hairDSCN6276

whether or not it’s there

and the last to procreate

Who on earth needs eight?

Thanks Daru!

 

 

Who said life was fair?

Alas, fair maiden

bereft of  biting remarks

all your teeth are gone

*     *     *

a judy doodle
a judy doodle

Alas, fair maiden

your ears continue to grow

as your stature shrinks

*     *     *

Alas, fair maiden

eat chocolate, drink wine, love, laugh

life is pretty good

*     *     *

Bob Blobfish sez: ". . .  no comment  . . "
Bob Blobfish sez: “. . . who needs teeth?  . . “
Haiku Horizons - prompt FAIR
Haiku Horizons – prompt FAIR

 

 

Stroppy and the Astronaut, Part II

I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this, I thought, as I wrote Stroppy and the Astronaut, part II  for this writing challenge from Esther Newton.  The sentence (in red) has to be included somewhere in the story:  

Click here for my first “Stroppy Story” which might, or might not, help you understand this one. 

DSCN6264

Stroppy eyed her lonely astronaut tethered next to her in space I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this, she thought. Now that we’ve nuzzled it’s time. She bit cleanly through his safety tether and taking his gloved hand in hers pointed the jet thruster toward home. With a twinkle in her eye and terror in his, they zoomed off into the vacuum of space to meet Mom and Dad.

Bob Blobfish sez: ". . .  I can’t believe she actually wrote this, he thought.  . . "
Bob Blobfish: “. . . I can’t believe she actually wrote this, he thought. . . “