No nudes today . . . but lots of raw skin . . . around my nose. I have a “code in duh node”, can’t think, can’t breathe and stayed home from life drawing. I caught it from Freddie. Yes, you heard right . . . FREDDIE.
My husband and I got sore throats on the very same night. The next day we both had baaaaaaad colds. We were stymied, since we hadn’t been out together the previous week and the people with whom we had joint contact hadn’t gotten sick.
Freddie was groomed 3 days prior to our getting sick. After Freddie is groomed he is fluffy and soft as down – it’s even more pleasurable to pet him.
I e-mailed the groomer and asked if he, by any chance, got a cold after he was here.
Seems Freddie is the only one who didn’t get sick.
The next time you come please do not make me look like a hedge-dog*.
Cutting dogs’ fur into perfect cubes, is the latest dog hairdressing trend to sweep Asia. “It is not known where the inspiration for the trend originated, but the look has been cropping up at dog shows around Asia in recent months.”
“Hairdresser Tain Yeh, who runs a parlour in Taipei told the Daily Mail: “It came about because people were always looking for more impressive haircuts, and somebody came up with the idea of shaping the dog like a hedge.”’ (HEDGE!, sounds like the Organic Green Revolution has gone to the dogs) . . . “The dogs don’t mind, (humph!, we are just too polite to complain) and the owners keep coming back for more. This sort of haircut needs a lot more maintenance than the regular type.”
“She warned that the look isn’t one which works for all dogs and has this advice for any British dog owners seeking to emulate the slick cubes: “It is also not suitable for all breeds. The dog needs to have plenty of hair to play around with so that you can shape it around the face and body.” (I’d love to get my paws on a pair of clippers and trim human-beings to look like a poodle . . . or a HEDGE . . . or a . . .)
I’m not allowed any treats right now.I have “crystals” in my bladder and am on a special diet to dissolve them before they turn into stones. I LOVE my new diet. It is paw-lick’n good. My human-being is glad that I like it because she says it’s very expensive. I remind her every minute of every day I am worth it.
Freddie Parker Westerfield, Crystal Engineer
(I can’t feel my crystals even though they did irritate my bladder and made me pee blood one day.)
My Human-being is very stingy. (She calls it frugal.) She told me that the $200 trip to my doctor was my Christmas present and the follow-up appointment for another x-ray in one month is my birthday present.
I told her she should not retire if she’s going to be that stingy.
I am writing to you and not your canine owners because it’s you human beings who we allow to make the big-picture decisions.
My human-being told me that Blu is going to Disneyland. I’ve never gone to Disneyland.
Huge, distorted creatures live there judging by the pictures Blu sent.
Blu is taking his human-beings who sent this announcement): “This adventure is a fundraiser for Children’s Hospital of Orange County. Please support Blu by walking with us through Disneyland and California Adventure on Sunday morning, Oct. 12th. You can sign up by going toCHOCWalk.organd look for Team Blu. If you are unable to join us, your sponsorship to either Adele or Bryan Green would be appreciated.”
Adelbear, Blubear, Ginormousbear & Bryanbear
“Blu and family understands that we all have limited resources. If you are unable to help, your prayers and thoughts are welcomed. Blu needs all the help he can to be good while walking through Disneyland to remember that he can’t use the park’s fire hydrants for his personal use!” (Even if huge, distorted creatures live at Disneyland I would take my chances and go there to check out the fire hydrants. ALL the fire hydrants around here are already mine).
Freddie Parker Westerfield, philanthropist
P.S. Blu has his own facebook page for the children at the hospital:
You wrote me about your owner Cody and I will try to help you understand him to improve your relationship.
“Cody rarely barks except when he thinks I (Gloria) am too slow in answering the front door or taking him for walks”.(All humans are too slow because they insist on getting about on only two limbs).
“He thinks everyone that comes over, came over to see him”.(Gloria Human-Being, don’t be so sure that’s not true)
“He has a doggie door but if he thinks he’s not getting enough attention, (If he thinks he’s not getting enough attention, he’s NOT getting enough attention)he goes out his door and comes around to the family room door and barks to let me know he’s out there.”(how else is he going to let you know he’s out there? . . . make sure Cody carries his smart phone so he can text message you)
“When the doggie door is closed and has to potty, he finds me in the house and scratches my leg a couple of times to let me know he’s there”.(Gloria Human-being, of course he scratches your leg. Bend down so he can reach your shoulder)
“He’ll scratch my leg like that for attention if I’m in the office, to let me know the timer is buzzing when I’m watering my trees”.(We doggies are very conscious of conserving our natural resources – especially since water is the only one we are allowed to drink)
Cody, full “blown” Westie
“If you’re eating something, he will look at you with his ears perked up, but you tell him it’s “mine” his ears drop and walks away. (Gloria Human-being, you must learn to be more generous and share). Although if someone feeds him a snack he may stick around for more. I try to tell my friends to give him carrots or dog treats only.”(Is that what you feed your friends – carrots or dog treats?)
“Cody has been a treasure to have as he and I are buddies. He loves going to grandma’s house as he usually gets a piece of chicken or meat to taste”.(Grandma rocks! I would like to have her for my Grandma. Please ask her.)
My Aunt Jamey and Uncle Hank gave my human-being an “Andy Warhol” pillow. She thought it looked like me and laughed and laughed. (Jamey & Hank are much more cosmopolitan than my human-being and would never see a resemblance)
“Humans have a natural desire to know what an animal is thinking, and yet we are limited to reading body language and measuring physiological reactions,” Beaver said. The bottom line is: “We will never truly know because we cannot ask them.”
YOU DO NOT NEED TO ASK US. We’ve been TELLING all you human beings for eons (and that’s a long time).
You think we feel guilty when you don’t like what we’ve done– WRONG. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. Guilt is when you think you’ve done something wrong and shame is when you think there is something wrong with you.
We canine dogs never do anything wrong and there’s NOTHING wrong with us. We are all perfect and do what we were created to do.
It’s pretty simple what we think: There’s a smell to smell; I’m hungry; Time to sleep; Time to pee; Time to be petted; and what on earth is THAT human being thinking?
Read this because Bonnie is a very smart human being.
“The next time you start shaking your finger and shouting “Shame on you!” because your dog chewed up your favorite fuzzy slippers, just remember that no matter how guilty your dog looks, it doesn’t know what your rant is about”. “Behaviorists insist dogs lack shame. The guilty look — head cowered, ears back, eyes droopy — is a reaction to the tantrum you are throwing now over the damage they did hours earlier”.
“Just get over it and remind yourself not to put temptation in the way next time,” said Dr. Bonnie Beaver, a professor at Texas A&M University’s College of Veterinary Medicine and executive director of the American College of Veterinary Behaviorists.
You should follow Bonnie’s advice . . . except for not to put temptation in the way. We really like temptation and are appreciative of you human beings putting it in our way.
I’ve already had the best Valentines Day. Auntie Susan brought me a Valentine present. (It was actually a belated Christmas gift because she forgot me at Christmas – I forgave her because she is sometimes forgetful and I love her.)
I needed this monkey because I gave Moosie, which Auntie Lyn gave me last year, a lobotomy.
I was helping one of my clients (I can’t reveal the name because I keep everything confidential . . . but you know who you are . . .) learn how to move past hurt and pain so they can have a clean start in the New Year.
My client is very emotional. To get proper attention I have to demonstrate what they must do. Here are my instructions. (what I communicate isn’t confidential).
YOU should think about what YOU need to let go of as you follow my directions.
1. Chew on “it”
3. Release it.
(Indoor instruction is Shake it off. Outdoor instruction is Release)
4. Sleep it off
The new Year is almost here. If YOU want to start fresh you have to stop procrastinating and do what I say NOW. Please send my fee in the form of something chewable (for future chew-on-it demonstrations).
Thank you for giving me a bath and cutting my hair today as it was getting matted beyond my Human Being’s control (not that she’s ever in control, as evidenced by these pictures from the last time she cut my hair).
Today she shelled out money to have you properly groom me.
However, I do have a few suggestions for your business:
You were very nice and called me “cute”. However, next time please don’t say “cute” – that’s for girls.
My nails are now well manicured. However, you did something else that was not very polite. Next time we can dispense with anything “glandular”. My Human Being will never know. Luckily you are a man, otherwise it would have been very embarrassing.
My human being just showed me this article and video. It seems she has more time on her hands than she admits.
Can you believe the laziness of this rhino!!!? – standing in one spot, barely moving. He has such potential which he squanders by marking such a small area. I, on the other hand, mark every 2 – 4 feet on a mile walk. My domain reaches far and wide.
It takes a lot of time, effort and responsibility to maintain my territory but it’s worth every squirt.
If you have a lot of time on your hands you can read the entire post by clicking on the title.
“Patricia Yang and colleagues at The Georgia Institute of Technology have a similar interest in measuring things that might seem odd to measure. They’ve submitted the abstractThe Hydrodynamics of Urination: to drip or jet to the Annual Fluid Dynamics Conference held by the American Physical Society in late November”.
“Using “high-speed videography” and “flow-rate measurement” they investigated independent urination styles, such as the dripping of small mammals and the “jetting” of large mammals. (This research is flawed. I do NOT drip. I squirt). New Scientist interviewed Yang and the coverage touches on urethra length, gravitational pull(That’s the only part that makes sense. It’s far easier to mark my territory during the full moon) and the number of seconds it takes to empty bladders. (SECONDS to empty!!! I have such superb technique that I can mark territory for 40 minutes or more) I eagerly await how the published study links Newtonian physics to urine”!
(Julie Hecht has too much time on her hands too)
My final comment on my commentary: I wouldn’t want to meet that Rhino on one of my territorial walks.
Small Stone garden path littered with autumn leaves squirrels hunt miser hoards
“What are small stones?”
“A small stone is a short piece of writing (any style) that precisely captures a fully engaged moment for you. The process of discovering small stones is as significant as the finished creation. Searching for small stones encourages you to keep your senses on the “alive and alert” status. Involve yourself with a new set of eyes, ears, nose, mouth, fingers, feelings and mind. In short … OPEN, OPEN, OPEN!” Becca Givens
Dear human and canine beingswho weren’t able or weren’t allowedto attend last night’s Freddie Friday The HeART of Spirituality & Creativity Workshop/group thingey at my Human-beings office,
Another Freddie Friday without Freddie. My human-being and 6 other human-beings ( I assume they were HUMAN-beings since all I have to go by are pictures . . . they appear to be human . . . however I have no proof that these humans were actually present on Freddie Friday since I wasn’t there).
I was told that these human-beingsmade prayer flags, kinda like Tibetan prayer flags. However I have no proof that prayer flags were actually made on Freddie Fridaysince I wasn’t there):
“Traditionally, prayer flags do not carry prayers to gods, which is a common misconception; rather, the Tibetans believe the prayers and mantras will be blown by the wind to spread the good will and compassion into all-pervading space.Therefore, prayer flags are thought to bring benefit to all.” Wikipedia
and the Celestial Realm and all creation:
1. Truth (science, education, philosophy) 2. Beauty (play, social leisure, art) 3. Goodness (social service, altruism, religion)
Here are pictures of the prayer flags and what each represents, so I’m told as I wasn’t there:
They all had a good time, so I was told since I wasn’t there.
Me, Freddie Parker Westerfield, CDT, all alone, at home on “Freddie Friday” There’s NO truth in advertising . . .
Freddie Parker Westerfield. Little did I know when we kept the “Parker” his foster family named him that Freddie would continue to embrace the “P“.
Freddie I surmise, in being neglected, learned to pee wherever and whenever the urge urged.
After several monthsof exhaustively walking him day and night to make sure he was on “empty” and after several gallons of Nature’s Miracle Freddie got a doggie door. (For those of you who aren’t familiar – Nature’s Miracle is a miracle. It is a natural enzyme that you POUR on urine. It MIRACULOUSLY eliminates odors and stains.)
I watched YouTube video instructions“How to Train a Dog to Use a Dog Door”: Dog inside the house, human on the outside with treats; Dog on outside of door, human inside with treats.
Freddie is very smartand on the first day he quickly learned how to push the door open. Easy “P”easy.
Freddie is VERY smartand on the second day, while I was outside calling “Use your door”, Freddie was peeing inside before bounding through his doggie door eager to get his treat.
I went to the Salon today. My Human Being said I was getting dread locks and needed a summer Doggie Do.
I got a facial, a pedicure, and a lovely massage bath. I also got my teeth brushed, my ears cleaned and they did something behind my back that I didn’t care for. Frankly, I saw no need to go to the salon as I rather liked the Doggie-Do my Aunt Cathy, human being gave me the day before. Here’s my Doggie-Do before picture. Rad!
My Human Being waitedthe entire 4 1/2 hours I was there just to make sure I was getting good treatment. She didn’t complain but she said her haircuts only took one hour and were less expensive.
They were very nice to meand I got some very delicious cookies. My Human Being wanted to take a picture of the cookies to show you because they looked very delicious but I ate them. And here’s my picture after I left the Salon
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Dear Mental Dental, Human Quote.
Thank you for your flattering comments. I am pleased you were able to recognize my expertise. However, I can not grant you permission to grab my RSS feed since grabbing “my private parts” would not be appropriate nor hygienic.
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Dear TaxFree, Human Cigarette,
You are most perceptive, (undoubtedly because you are tax free, not because you are a cigarette). I AM indeed most fastidious when I spritz my “material” to mark my territory.
“My human had a rough day, There’s a lot of tension at home, I’m nervous so I peed in the house a couple of times. My human mommy figured it out and she spent all day with me and I am not leaving her side. Now I am happy. These humans sure do have a lot of things to worry about. I’m glad I’m me. I am now sleeping on the bed with my head on her ankles.Thanks for listening, Freddy. You are a good friend.” Lexi-Pro
Dear Lexi-Pro, Canine Dog Anti-Depressant,
You must learn to pee from pleasure. It’s much healthier than peeing from nervousness. However, I am glad to hear you are training your Human Being, just be careful not to overly empathize with Human Beings. They are weird.