Frankly Freddie – A man for ALL seasons (and a calendar too)

Santa CLAUStrophobia:

Fear of fly-by night men who are partial to the color red, use environmentally appropriate transportation and make their employees wear pointy shoes.

This phobia is often triggered by anticipation of shoveling snow and spending time with relatives in closed quarters.   It is characterized by over-spending, over-indulging, delusions of family harmony, leaving cookies and milk out to spoil and . . .  lying to children.

Have a HUMAN(E) Christmas!

Lickingly LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL,

Freddie

P.S.  My Humans say to tell you to have a DOG-GONE

Merry Christmas AND . . .

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The True Story – Why Santa Never Gets Caught

Doodlewash is a blog I follow – both for Charlie O’s great water-colors but even more for his stories inspired by his watercolored drawings.  Several years ago I was inspired by his childhood explanation of how Santa and his reindeer get around.  (Charlie claims he was a child but I suspect that is just a cover-up for what he knows is the truth . . . )

Pome by judy

No one catches Santa on the roof

or in the snow sees prints

of tiny reindeer hoof

for Santa’s no bigger than a fly

and reindeer all the size of ants

ferry him through the Christmas sky

I don’t think it silly at all

to imagine reindeer quite so small

and know 

how Santa slides down chimney flues

with nary much soot on his beard or shoes

So make your cookies the size of peas

and leave the milk in a thimble please

Limit the weight of gifts and such

to crush an ant

 it doesn’t take much

   *     *    *

To read Charlie O’s story click here:

How Do Reindeer Fly?

Children’s Pome for Adults – the REAL night before Christmas

Dear human-beings,

Besides being soft and cuddly a mission of mine is to bring poetry to the masses, of which you are some.   And I am here to bring you the truth . . . even though it might hurt.

Santa was frantic at the North Pole

Finances in the red, he was in the hole

Mrs Claus couldn’t afford sugar

For her cookies sublime

Dear old hubby didn’t have a dime

231739-royalty-free-rf-clipart-illustration-of-santa-freaking-out-poster-art-print

North Pole employment had exploded

and Santa’s credit had eroded

He’d spent his last cent on black Friday deals

and turkey with the trimmings for thanksgiving meals

imgres

The night before Christmas he no longer had clout

When all the elves threatened a walk-out

Elf-union held all the chips

As evidenced by the grin on all the elf lips

For every elf in all the land

Had won a pay deal without tipping their hand:

Double pay all December

a free thanksgiving meal in November

Finally fringe benefits for elves was real

For Santa and the Mrs, there was no appeal

Santa had bitten his nails to the quick

Both right and left eyes developed a tic

All Santa could do was self medicate

So he stuffed his mouth from the cookie plate santa-claus-being-drunk-holding-beer-33377069

And downed all the rum from a hot toddy cup

his blood pressure sky-high, went up and up

His big fat belly shook like a bowl full of lead

While visions of bankruptcy danced in his head

So all you children and adults too

Have compassion and learn to make due  

STOP asking for presents and things you don’t need

YOU must now take heed.

It’s no time for greed

If you want Santa another Christmas to live

to every red-kettle-bell-ringer

Dig in your pocket and GIVE.

Poetically yours,

Freddie Parker Westerfield

Freddie Parker Westerfield, Published Author

Freddie Parker Westerfield, Published Author

21 Ways to Keep Your Sanity for the Holidays

Oh my gosh!  I missed reposting my annual holiday post.  For those of you who already celebrated Chanukah you’ll have images-7to remember the tips for next year when I might forget to post them again.  For those of you who celebrate Christmas you have 4 days to follow the tips.  For the rest of you, you can ALWAYS follow the last two tips any time you run out of steam or time …
So! As I speak, time is running out. (Actually “time” doesn’t run out it since linear “time” is just a tiny mechanism in our brains that helps us keep our sanity).

Peace on Earth & Sanity to all my Friends!

Christmas:

  1. Instead of buying a tree watch your friends decorate (and take down) theirs
  2. Convert to Judaism
  3. Sit in the lobby of a 5-star hotel and enjoy EXPENSIVE decorations.
  4. Adopt a turkey, instead of eating one.
  5. Make dinner potluck, you supply the paper plates and plastic cutlery
  6. Christmas dinner – Start with dessert and forget the rest.
  7. Sit on the beach in Bali
  8. Go to bed on the 23rd and get up on the 3rd
  9. Only buy presents for Jesus.
  10. Put a cover on the outside chimney opening so you don’t have to put out cookies and milk.

Chanukah:

images-3-111. Watch your friends decorate (and take down) their Christmas tree.

12. Convert to Christianity

13. Stay in a 5-star hotel for 8 days and nights.

14. Use credit cards instead of gelt

15. Instead of gambling with a dreidle at home go to Vegasimages-1-1

16. Don’t give presents, do good deeds

17. Go to bed on Thanksgiving and wake up on Christmas

18. Bake a potato instead of grating them to death

19. Eat macaroons with Ben & Jerry

New Years:

20. Remember, you are in bed until the 3rd, unless you’re Jewish.

21. If you are Jewish, go back to bed.

26 Easy Ways to Reduce Your Stress until New Year’s

Only 1 day till Thanksgiving, 27 days till Chanukah!  31 days till Christmas! 38 days till New Year’s!  Time is running out.  (Actually “time” doesn’t run out it since linear “time” is just a tiny mechanism in our brains that helps us keep our sanity).

Thanksgiving

Instead of having a traditional Thanksgiving meal loaded with high calorie, fat filled, sugar laden food shake things up and start a new tradition:  Here’s some possibilities:

1.  Serve only things that begin with the letter T (for Thanksgiving of course):

  • TWINKIES (for Maureen)
  • Taco
  • Tamales
  • Turnips
  • Tangerines
  • Turtle cheesecake
  • Toast
  • Tofu
  • Tuna fish
  • Trix cereal
  • Tabuli
  • Tiramisu
  • Tripe
  • Tostada
  • Tootsie rolls (for Wendy)
  • Truffles
  • Tortilla chips
  • Tempura
  • TURKEY!

2.  Go straight for the fat filled, sugar laden empty calories  – Start with desert and skip the rest.

3. Do not get together with anyone you’re related to so you can be honest about who and what you are thankful for.

4. Hold a cranberry stomp in a wine barrel and drink the juice.

5. Adopt a turkey, instead of eating one.

6.  Go to bed tonight and don’t get out until January 3, 2012

Christmas:

  1. Instead of buying  a tree watch your friends decorate (and take down) theirs
  2. Convert to Judaism
  3. Sit in the lobby of a 5-star hotel and enjoy EXPENSIVE decorations.
  4. Make dinner potluck, you supply the paper plates and plastic cutlery
  5. Christmas dinner – Start with dessert and forget the rest.
  6. Sit on the beach in Bali
  7. Go to bed on the 23rd and get up on the 3rd
  8. Only buy presents for Jesus.
  9. Put a cover on the outside chimney opening so you don’t have to put out cookies and milk.

Chanukah:

1. Watch your friends decorate (and take down) their Christmas tree.

2. Convert to Christianity

3. Stay in a 5-star hotel for 8 days and nights.

4. Use credit cards instead of gelt

5. Instead of gambling with a dreidle at home go to Vegas

6. Don’t give presents, do good deeds

7. Go to bed on Thanksgiving and wake up on Christmas

8. Bake a potato instead of grating them to death

9. Eat macaroons with Ben & Jerry

New Years:

1. Remember, you are in bed until the 3rd, unless you’re Jewish.

2. If you are Jewish, go back to bed.


God Bless, Peace on Earth & Sanity to all my Friends!

P.S.  I am Thankful for EVERYONE OF YOU!