The 3 “R’s of Old Age-Raving, Ranting & Regretting

maybe-better-not-do-a-tantrum-on-the-floor-because-who-knows-if-I-ever-will-get-up-again (title – compliments of Sarah! http://secretartexpedition.wordpress.com)

I do not like being an old lady.  There’s not much I can do about it but I don’t like it.  I don’t like it!  I do NOT like it!  If there was someone watching right now I would lay down on the floor, pummel my legs up and down and scream out obscenities which I’m too embarrassed to write down proving I’m an old lady because I was taught that ladies, no matter their age, don’t swear.  Even now, when I can’t be sent to my room, I hesitate to say “hell” or “shit” much less utter worse.  The problem is I don’t even know what current swear words are.  (There’s even a bigger problem if I lay down on the floor.  With no one here to watch  I might not be able to get back up without help.)

The urban slang dictionary didn’t exist until I was well past middle age and I couldn’t even look up cuss words that were creative.  I’m now stuck with the “hells” and “I don’t give a damns” because that’s all I learned.

Let’s talk about wrinkles (it’s easier than the belly fat that has accumulated around my mid-section when even sucking in my stomach it still blubs around like Santa Claus’ bowl full of jelly.  So wrinkles it is.) 

Why would I want wrinkles? . . . to  prove I’m as wise as I have ostensibly become?  Phony baloney, I’v never seen a wrinkled owl.   Rather than look wise it’s easier to look down my elongating nose at people who have plastic surgery, botox or collagen treatments.  If I weren’t scared of pain and had the money I’d get rid of my wrinkles.  Instead, I’m doomed to cultivating a self-righteous attitude about my aging, sagging, bagging body and pretend to embrace how old I am.

I’ve tried political correctness – how wonderful it is to be wise, to have accumulated all this worldly experience and be on social security . . . I’ve tried to embrace aging, smile when people ask me what I do and act like it’s  wonderful to have no career, no purpose, no energy.  I’ve tried wrinkle creams that promise me youth.  I’ve tried laughing at the “old age” cartoons that appear in my in-box and sting in their truths.

Give me the money (and a bottle of numbing vodka – ladies don’t want alcohol breath) and I’ll be on the next surgeon’s schedule to tighten my jowls, pull up my eyelids and get rid of the bags under my eyes . . .  

I’ve even considered moving to another country where old age is supposedly venerated.   But I’m too tired to pack so I live in these here United States where I’m wise enough to know it’s the youth who say it like it is and have the energy to make this world a better place.

Old age – phooey. It’s highly over-rated . . . by the elderly.

A Cautionary Tale

Dance while you’re young

Pierce your tongue

Dye your hair green

Eat fat, not the lean

Don’t give a lick what makes you tick

Eat, drink and be merry

because if you tarry

you’ll soon be too old

all covered with mold

and have to scrap it off with a stick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The First day of my Birthday Season – I’m Wrinkling in Strange Places

(Oh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees – days and days and days and daaaaaaaaaaays of celebration.  You can send me gifts in lieu of flowers or cake per my birthday season RULES, #3).

To celebrate I slept-in late . . . 

Oh nooooooooooooooooo – I have vertical ridges in my fingernails.  So, of course, I googled “fingernail ridges”:

“There are many reasons for ridged nails but the most common is aging,” says Dr. Phoebe Rich, M.D, clinical adjunct professor of dermatology at Oregon Health Science University. As we age the nail matrix becomes atrophied  in areas resulting in longitudinal ridging of nails. I tell people they are like wrinkles in the nails.”

It’s bad enough that my face is wrinkling . . . my neck is wrinkling . . . and now! my fingernails are wrinkling!

images

The next thing I know I’ll wake up and I will look like a Shar-pei.

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Bob Blobfish sez: ". . . I p"

Bob Blobfish sez: “I’d be upset too if I woke up looking like a Shar-pei”

 

Sing a Song of Inspiration

Everyone knows that EXpirations – like sneezes – spread germs.  

Here’s an example of how INspirations are contagious.

Max and I just got back from our morning prayer walk.  I was singing to God while Max, well, Max was sniffing to the max.

A huge raven swooped by, landing just ahead on a light post.  It was sleek, shiny black and started calling loudly for other ravens to join him.  I wondered if that raven was the patriarch or just some young whippersnapper with a rousing call to action.

  • I wondered how you tell the age of a bird.  No tell-tail  (sorry couldn’t resist) age spots or wrinkles.
  • My mind flashed on a brilliant comment about God that Ramesh Sood had made – something about wrinkles – which I couldn’t precisely remember but I remember thinking, “How brilliant” at the time I read it.
  • When we got home I was inspired to re-read his comment and poem.
  • Ramesh was inspired to spontaneously write his poem in response to the post I wrote How to Appear Younger than You Are.
  • I was inspired to write that How to Appear Younger than You Are by that darling baby boy who came to visit me at my office.
  • And the baby was inspired by EVERYTHING!
“What an inspiring post this… yes, I have often prayed..May God never let my thoughts get wrinkled…May I continue to exude youthful energy and exuberance…And Judy, if one has to go by Photos on your page here..you don’t look 67..touch wood…let me try:”

A song waits to be written
And to be Sung
It’s so happy and joyous
To always stay young

Doesn’t matter if body belies
Let mind think fresh thoughts
Let heart with happier ones clung

 A song waits to be written
And to be sung

Be cheery always, have fun
Talk to Moon, stars and flowers
Taste the rising sun on your tongue
A song that waited to be written
I know you have just sung

Hey, stay happy and stay young..

“Judy this song didn’t exist just ten minutes back.. . . .that’s the power of inspiration.” Ramesh Sood, (author of Elephant & Ant, coming soon to a computer near you).  A Little More Than Ordinary.. 

INhale deeply where ever you are today.

I hope you catch an INspiration!

A SMILE an Hour Keeps Me from Being Sour

Did you know?

  • A smile uses 17 muscles and a frown uses 43 muscles

  • If you make yourself smile, you will not only change the way people think about you but you will also change the way you feel about yourself. (I can testify to that.  The last few weeks I’ve been forcing my smiles on everyone I see.  It’s fascinating to watch others put their head down, stare straight ahead or SMILE back).

  • Women smile more than men do, in social situations and when alone. Female social smiling begins in infancy. It tends to increase as women age. When I smile it confuses people – which facial line is a smile line or an old age wrinkle?) (Fisher, Helen, PhD. The First Sex)

  • Real and fake smiles have the same positive effects on brain activity, skin temperature, heart rate and respiration. (Can’t tell the difference between my real and fake wrinkles either). Learning to Laugh.)Paul Ekman ,University of California, San Francisco
Collage, Valerie D.

Whenever we have a bright genuine smile on our face our body is sending a message to our brain, saying, “Life is GOOD!” Guess what happens next? Our brain releases ‘feel good’ hormones, called endorphins into our blood and we start feeling happier and more energized.

Still unconvinced about the benefits of a smile? – smiling lifts the face and makes us look younger, friendlier, more confident and more attractive.  A smile draws people in, just like frowns and scowls push them away. So make it easy on yourself – no matter what you mood is, relax your face and smile!

“Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile”

Words by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons, music by Charlie Chaplin